It is becoming a vicious circle now....

If i am talking to him....i feel guilty and if i am not...i cant seem to do anything...the more i try to go away or try to stop myself from getting involved...the more desperate i get, i panick....feels like i am not in command of my own stupid mind and soul....

the limits are fading day by day....and now when he is coming here...to meet me, i am clueless as to what to do...i feel weak in my knees..

sometimes i feel as if i am absolutely  happy and gay in my self created world and cant stop smiling all day long...but sometimes(specially during similar guilt attacks) i feel so cheap inside that i just cant seem to take it... seems my mind would explode.....

what actually is love..?

two people staying together, looking after kids, fulfilling their social and other obligations, is this love..?

no spark...no skipping of the heartbeat....no sweatpalms, no blushing, no no-reason smiles....is this love?

Why cant we decide our own destiny....i might be selfish but if spending few moments give me some pleasure then, why not?

"zindagi ki bhag daud me ek thandi hawa ke jhonke ki tarah, wo meri zindagi me aaya, aur aaj ye aalam hai ki ham khayalon me wahin aashiyana banane lage...."

i know, it is easy to give advice but unless u r in a similar situation, how can you even understand what i or somebody else for that matter, goes through in such situations....

wanna say one more thing, that...life was always good but now it has become beautiful.....