yaadein thi, khushgawar lamhe they....kuchh adad adhure sapne they...par duniya badal gayi shaam dhalne ke saath...

pehle bhi thi tanha...ab aur tanha ho gayi, tumse milne ke baad...

thought that it is gonna last lifetime...but i was so very wrong....such relationships are meant to end like this....but never thought that the death would be so silent, though i have always loved silence but this time around...i want to shout from my roof top that i am broken...i am hurt and i am angry...

I gave so much to this relationship and was always sure that I will never meet this guy who has made me fallen in love...without even seeing each other..( my intution was giving me a hard time, that everything is not gonna be the same once we meet) but he convinced me that if we meet, this relationship would get to its next level.......and it was indeed....he travelled half across the globe, crossed seven ocean, just to see me...(my god still cant believe this) and gave me a day, which i will cherish for the rest of my life...and nothing of the sorts that seems obvious to prople...happened...we were never in this relationship for physical pleasures....just being together was enough....

but now as if everything has changed....i m feeling this guilt, and probably he too...after meeting that that no matter how strongly we feel for each other...we cant take it anywhere...as we are married...and so called happy with our respective partners...(seven years into the marriage and never thought i would fall for somebody...i dint even see...destiny they say)

why did it happen...still not able to accept that it is moving away...that things are not same...sometimes it gets so difficult to deal with my overwhelming emotions that i feel they'll eat me to death...and sometimes i just want to run away...so far that i cant even have to bear myself)far from myself...but that is just not possible....dealing with emotions was never so difficult....

i never wanted to get into this relationship...it all just happened..tried to protest but my whole being just got so carried away that i couldn't contol...and now when its coming to an end i am as desperate as a person can get....

dont know wat to do...my life is all messed up....

i think i am paying too high a price for falling....

Kuchh Zor hi nahi chalta.... na saanso par na dil par..

Uske khayal iss kadar shamil ho chale hain mujh mein. jaise bulaya ho unhe meri hi khwahishon ne.

Jaanti hoon galat hai.galat hi hoga.warna itna khush kahan koi ho sakta hai kisi pal.

Sahi aur galat ke iss sawal mein jaise.... zindagi kasmasa rahi hai ulajh kar.

Par na jaane phir bhi kyun Zindagi apni si nahi lagti aajkal

Kuchh Zor hi nahi chalta na saanso par na dil par..

Life is like a pleasant weather now a days...where you just want to step out and enjoy it to the extent, like you'll never get it again...where you have the fear of losing it any minute...and where the thought of same scorching sun of life makes you all the more vulnerable...to live every minute of those moments........

never thought it would be so easy yet so difficult...seemed as if everything has come to a standstill...never felt so strong about him...
whenevr I am with him...every moment is like a dream...aisa lagta hai uus ek lamhe me saari zindagi ji leti hoon mai...that too with closed eyes...


Somewhere deep down, it is very soothing that we have a castle that is far away from this world, pretentions, fakeness and hypocrity. Somewhere there is a castle that is built purely on emotions and not on infatuation, wordly things, materialistic requirements or physical attraction.we have not met...yet

Any sand castle doesn't last for a long time or actually for more than a minute or two till the next wave comes and washes it away. I am just happy that this castle will live with us forever in our hearts if not by the sea.

If I didn't have him to talk to...
The days would all be empty
The nights would seem so long

I might have been in love before
But it never felt this strong ............

If i am talking to him....i feel guilty and if i am not...i cant seem to do anything...the more i try to go away or try to stop myself from getting involved...the more desperate i get, i panick....feels like i am not in command of my own stupid mind and soul....

the limits are fading day by day....and now when he is coming here...to meet me, i am clueless as to what to do...i feel weak in my knees..

sometimes i feel as if i am absolutely happy and gay in my self created world and cant stop smiling all day long...but sometimes(specially during similar guilt attacks) i feel so cheap inside that i just cant seem to take it... seems my mind would explode.....

what actually is love..?

two people staying together, looking after kids, fulfilling their social and other obligations, is this love..?

no spark...no skipping of the heartbeat....no sweatpalms, no blushing, no no-reason smiles....is this love?

Why cant we decide our own destiny....i might be selfish but if spending few moments give me some pleasure then, why not?

"zindagi ki bhag daud me ek thandi hawa ke jhonke ki tarah, wo meri zindagi me aaya, aur aaj ye aalam hai ki ham khayalon me wahin aashiyana banane lage...."

i know, it is easy to give advice but unless u r in a similar situation, how can you even understand what i or somebody else for that matter, goes through in such situations....

wanna say one more thing, that...life was always good but now it has become beautiful.....

Yesterday i watched "KANK" and i could so much see myself there...can really love happen after marriage. if no then what is it that i am going through and if Yes, then somebody please tell me what to do..?

Since last night I am totally lost coz I don"t know what to do. There is so much crap going through my mind, so much , I doubt if anything I say would make any sense. i was getting as desperate as a person can get, last night, emotions overflowing...never felt like this before... The tears were hard to control, dint know what to do...Somebody has rightly said "Love is a powerful emotion". but Is it really Love...

I am like all so numb. .my mind acting like as though dead. This is not what I wanted in my life..... How can Things get messed up like this..with my no control over it...

I dont know if I should regret for me getting involved with him...but could i do anything
I was feeling that last night will not pass way.. That there is no dawn..but I know I was wrong.. he was there to take me through...he was there to help me come in terms with life...he was there to be with me when I needed him most... he was there to listen all, whatever i said, he was there, with me and helped me understand that- Nothing Good or bad last forever...

but is it really so...is life that simple...dont know waht i want from life...

I can hear the unspoken......now

Yes I can.....with him, even when there is silence between us ...it is comfortable one
Just listening to sweet nothings......is like the best music....

It can not be said....can just be FELT......with closed eyes..

Sometimes u want to get carried away......knowingly!

No matter what.....

I shall treasure this forever...........

the virtual walk in the rain...

the sweet nothings in the ear...

and the silence....saying thousands of words....every minute...

This can not be true...

this can not be happening ....we have not met....yet

I really wonder how can somebody just stays right there in your thoughts...Every moment.

I want to thank him for those carefree moments, each more beautiful than the last and also for the time when breezy cold wind was blowing while it drizzled....I could feel this all with him... even from thousand miles away...

Don't know how and why? But feel he and I, are like mirrors that reflect everything back and forth. with him, I never have to think about words.Emotions are enough and . I know he'll understand..

We progress every day further into the lonesome distance towards the unexplainable destination for us........... knowingly

when we know that there is no destination for us together.....only journey

a beautiful journey......

The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master...... If you have become a negative thinker, this is because you have not cared for your mind and taken the time to train it to focus on the good.

Winston Chaurchill said that "the price of greatness is responsibility over each of your thoughts. Then you will install the vibrant mindset you are looking for. Remember, the mind truly is like any other muscle in your body. Use it or lose it.".......

There is only one thing that we have absolute dominion over....

Our minds... We might not be able to control the weather or the traffic or the moods of all those around us. But, we most certainly can control our attitude towards these events. We all have the power to determine what we will think about in any given moment. This ability is part of what makes us human.....

On an average day the average person runs about sixty thousand thoughts through his mind. What really amazing though is that ninety-five percent of those thoughts were the same as the ones you thought the day before..and this is the tyranny of impoverished thinking. those who think same thoughts every day, most of them negative, have fallen into bad mental habits. Rather than focussing on all the good in their lives and thinking of ways to make things even better, they are captive of their pasts, failed relationships or financial problems.......

These people never realize that mind management is the essence of life management. and they are blocking the enormous potential of their minds to work magic and deliver into their lives all they want, emotionally, physically and yes even spiritually...

Excerpt from one of my favourite book "the monk who sold his ferrari."......

I wonder..coz.. it is not something which can be described.....
it is not something which has to be named...
it is not something, which is worldly...

this is way above that.....it doesn't have to be "something" just in order to be...
this is a blissful feeling....the feeling you get when it drizzles after a hot day...
A pure and soulful bonding....

the word "love" has lost its glory...
has been misused and misunderstood....
but the feeling that I share with him is not worldly
its way above that.....

why does every relation has to be named...especially when its shared by a girl and a guy..

cant we have emotional dependence on somebody other than our spouse....

is emotional cheating, a cheating when there is absolutely no physicality involved...we still have not met..yet

I call it destiny, destiny at its best....

I don't know why..?
I don't know why I am feeling the way I am feeling ... Somehow things are not the way, they used to be.
Am I giving my heart too much importance, than I should. don't know things are in such a mess these days

Why does mind always have to have the answer for things that are hard to answer.
There are times when you don't find words to express what you are going through. You meet new people every now and then.. Some of them you don't remember or don't want to, but some of them just refuse to go out of your mind..no matter how hard you try ....

And its like being in a situation when your head and heart pull you into opposite directions and you just can't decide what to do?? It almost feels as if you are being torn into two parts...

and I feel I am in a similar situation... I got in touch with him around 7 months ago because of my job,, we had to speak often, almost hours to fine tune the process we were working on...

and I dint even realize when did it start happening...

when I realized, I tried not to get into this......though my whole being screamed in protest and I had to give up ....finally
He is so unlike others, an absolute charmer.
Intelligent and sensible, yet gentle and respectful...
And above all, understands me totally......without me saying a word!!!

Still not able to believe this..but it is true..We have not met....yet
Never thought this could happen to me...ever.
But it is indeed...

but sometimes I feel so cheap inside for we both are married ...or I should say happily married with our respective partners...and we are not even looking for fun outside, this is more of a psychological escape...during our 7 month old relationship we have never spoken saucy or about things that seems natural to peoople who believe such relations are formed just for obvious reasons...

but somehow this overwhelming guilt is killing me..